After a break up, how long should you wait to get serious with somebody new?

This is a response to a question my face book friend Brent posted. I thought I’d post it here also.

“It all depends on where you are in your  life and what you want. I find that often it’s best to take some time alone or single especially if you are one of those people that have never been alone or jump from relationship to relationship as most very attractive women do because it’s so easy. A lot of women don’t leave one man until the have another lined up. I see the less in men.

People that are never single and never spend any time alone really don’t have a relationship with their self or even know themselves well. When you don’t know yourself or have a quality relationship with yourself how can you ever expect to really  have quality relationship with another person.

People also need to wake up from the LIE we are sold that we need someone else to complete us. We must find that inner peach and feel completed  and happy our own then we will attract others to us that also feel that way.

Relationships are Mirrors that show us aspects of our self and also reflect back to us what we judge harshly in others. So you really need to asses what you have learned from the relationship about yourself, your actions, reactions, and also what you have discovered that you are attracting in others and what you want and do not want in a future partner and relationship.

Without that you’re pretty much going to attract the same thing and often make the very same mistakes as you did last time.

Now if you’re just dating and there are really just seeing someone for a month you should still learn about what you want and don’t and your actions and reactions. But you don’t need a cooling off period that’s as long or even one at all.

BTW you can apply this way of thinking to your entire life, your job, family, sports, a conflict with a random person. This is the way I live everyday.

Asking how I attracted a situation, where my actions the best I could have taken and what would I prefer in the future.”

Rate this Post: This entry was posted on Monday, February 1st, 2010 at 5:39 pm and is filed under relationships. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

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Most Girls Are Seriously Insecure: Part Two

Eva Weisberg. Sexy, intelligent, Eastern European author and dating coach. She’s the rare kind of girl that can observe and elegantly describe her own, and other womens’ behaviours and reactions when it comes to how guys act around them. And she’s just published her first book. 

Check out her book here: ‘Get a Girl: By a Girl’

=======================================If you haven’t read ‘Most Girls Are Insecure: Part One’, then check that out before reading below. 

So, how can all this help you with women?

Let me go through a few ways.

* Use sincere compliments to help boost her self-esteem. Tell your girl every day how pretty she is, about how you love her looks, whether or not she’s wearing make-up, and about how you love her shape and her figure, no matter what it is. Try telling her she’s beautiful when you’re having breakfast in the morning and before she’s put on any make-up, and then try telling her how good she looks when she’s been through the bathroom, and sorted her hair and make-up. And I always emphasise to men that girls love *details*. Don’t just say “You look nice, honey” while looking in the opposite direction! Try and say something personal and tailored, something like “You’re looking so fresh and young without your make-up”, or “I love your eyes with that eyeliner, it really emphasises their beauty”. If there’s something she’s most proud of (and there *is*, you just have to listen to her to find out what), compliment her on it! Just always make sure your compliment is genuine. If she’s touched by something you’ve said she’s likely to ask you to repeat it at some point — and you’re just as likely to have forgotten exactly what you said. If your compliment was genuine that’s no problem! You simply say something that conveys the
same emotion that you wanted to before.

* Don’t talk about other pretty girls, and what exactly you like about them! This should be simple common-sense, but so many guys don’t seem to *think*. The same goes for your exes — they are your past for a reason, so remember that, because not many girls will like hearing about them. It would make any girl insecure to think that you still think about your exes. If she’s already insecure it will make her feel even worse! While you’re trying to help her build up her self-esteem you’re better making it all about *her*. Make her feel special and
important. Don’t blindly trigger further insecurities.

* Related to that… listen and learn! If something you’ve said or done triggered her insecurity then no matter how justified you think you were, learn from it and avoid doing it again. You should be able to talk about almost anything — you just have to learn how to do it so that it doesn’t make her feel worse. If there’s no way, don’t talk about it. You’ve got everything under the sun to discuss. Exactly why are you wanting to talk about the mole on her face?

* And related to *that*… don’t joke about her being fat, not fitting that ass into those jeans, or anything like that! Not everybody shares your sense of humour. She could get seriously hurt — girls can be painfully sensitive about such matters. And you might be saying “Of course I’d never joke about a girl getting fat!” Well, a friend of mine once joked about it with a skinny girl he’d known since they were 14. He thought she’d know he was joking because it was “obvious” he was joking because she’s so skinny. But she was really hurt! And I’m not surprised. Just don’t do it, you’ll trigger a deep well of insecurities.

I don’t have the space to say much more, so I’ll leave you with one last piece of advice: if you ever notice a girl around you — a female friend, a sister, a girlfriend, even your mum — who looks insecure, remember what I’ve said and try to make her feel better. And if one of the girls around you seems happy, for the love of God don’t joke about her looks or her image, because she *is* almost certainly insecure. Keep her happy! It’s good karma — it’ll come back to you in the end!

There aren’t many things in life as rewarding as making someone you care about genuinely happy. You have the power to improve the life of the women around you by letting them know what’s special about them and why you love being around them, so use it! Believe me, they’ll remember it for a long time and want to spend their time with you. Don’t go overboard and just shower people with compliments all the time. That rings false quickly, or reduces their impact, but do let them know what you appreciate about them. Everybody loves being around a person who thinks they’re special and attractive — we all want to feel important. We’re all insecure. We all crave compliments. No matter how gorgeous we are.

Editors note: Remember to check out Eva’s book: ‘Get a Girl: By a Girl’

P.S. If you like this stuff, make sure you sign-up to my mailing list in the box below.

You’ll be first to hear about my newest best stuff, and you’ll also get (as a blatant bribe) an mp3 download ‘The 7 Deadly Sins of Attraction’, containing some of my newest & best ideas. Sign up today.

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Most Girls Are Seriously Insecure: Part One

Hey guys got a serious treat for you today. Eva has taken the time to write an awesome article about girls being insecure. These are some extremely valuable insights into the way girls think about themselves. Before that though, let’s have a reminder of who Eva is: 

Eva Weisberg. Sexy, intelligent, Eastern European author and dating coach. She’s the rare kind of girl that can observe and elegantly describe her own, and other womens’ behaviours and reactions when it comes to how guys act around them. And she’s just published her first book.

Check out her book here: ‘Get a Girl: By a Girl’

It may come as a surprise to you guys to know how many girls are seriously insecure. 

Some manage to hide it, some don’t. The prettiest girls think that they’re ugly and even the model-thin have ‘fat days’! The ladies in your life constantly compare themselves unfavourably to other girls, and often those much less attractive than them. It really is crazy. We know how unreasonable it is and how it affects our self-esteem and sours our lives, and yet still we can’t stop! I wish we could, but simply telling yourself, “I’m beautiful, I’m amazing” doesn’t always work. And when it does… it’s only til the next fat day.

Girls will often call other attractive women “bitches”, “sluts”, “mental”, any kind of abuse. To you it almost certainly seems well overboard — it happens whether or not anyone’s done something wrong, and it can seem absolutely unreasonable. Indeed, to an *objective* mind, it is unreasonable. But just remember, a girl isn’t being objective when she does this. She’s trying to make herself look and feel better — to herself and to you — than the competition. She’s trying to cover her jealousy with a screen of contempt. She thinks this will distract you from another attractive woman. In pointing out all her flaws to you, real or imagined, your girl is guaranteeing that you won’t waste your effort, and that you’ll focus all your attention on *her*.

Of course, if often works exactly the opposite way round. If you want to make an average-looking, uninteresting girl seem like a beauty to a guy, I can’t imagine a better way than to act nervous and jealous around her! He’s going to take a closer look! Before all he saw was an average girl and his attention passed straight over her, but now he’ll take a closer look and ask himself, “What’s she seen that I haven’t?” And in doing so, he can often see exactly what it is made his girl react so strongly.

So it can be self-defeating — and very damaging. I’ve no doubt you know much of this already, that you’ve been in similar situations with friends or girlfriends and probably figured out a lot of this for yourself. But where does it come from?

It comes down to mental attitude, and it comes down to insecurity. I feel awful that so many of us girls struggle constantly with insecurity. Indeed, I’m working on a book on confidence for women at the minute; it hurts too much to see gorgeous, smart women hurting themselves and fuelling their insecurities so needlessly.

Having said all this, you might be asking why girls feel so insecure around guys and, especially, other women. Well, I can’t go into everything — that can fill a book, trust me! — but I can pinpoint three major reason:

1) Unfortunately, women still base much of their feelings of self-worth on their looks and their figure. This is a cultural thing, but it’s widespread across almost the entire world. It’s totally different for men, who can build their image and their sense of self-respect on work, sports and social prestige — where looks may play a part but a much less important one. Women aren’t so lucky. Before going on a date, an average woman will spend ten times as long as you do, doing things that don’t matter much, at least not to guys: perfecting her make-up and her manicure, straightening or curling her hair, and often working herself into a foul or manic mood about it, too! If her image isn’t exactly right it’s going to hurt her badly. And with the focus women put on their own looks, it’s only natural that they focus on other women’s looks… which just reinforces the cycle. It’s a feedback loop and we just can’t break out of it. We judge her by her looks because she judges us by *our* looks. And because we’re focused on our appearance, we can’t help but believe the best-looking takes all the attention.

2) It’s a related issue that because women are so obsessed with their looks, they’re very susceptible to media brainwashing — about how you should look, how much you should weigh, what you should wear. I’m sure you’ve noticed girlfriends’ or sisters’ pre-occupation in the past. We have a huge amount of beauty-related information thrown at us every day. It’s no wonder we compare ourselves not just to other women but also to an imaginary ‘perfect image’. While you could say, “Just stop paying attention!” it really isn’t that easy. Yes, we could stop paying attention to it with a great struggle of will… and then we’d
fall behind all the other girls. And men would notice. We’d stand out, we’d be the oddball. Now that might work with some men, but it’s been my experience, both personal and professional, that it doesn’t work for *many* — and in the meantime it gains us at best the mockery and at worst the sympathy of other girls.

3) Much of our attitude and our way of thinking comes from our childhood. If your girl is from a troubled family, there’s a far bigger chance that she’ll have a collection of different insecurities. These could be anything, from a fear of being left alone to clamming up in company, or an inbuilt belief that she isn’t clever, or funny, or can’t do maths, or can’t sing… Anything at all. Too many parents don’t really know how to talk to their children. Worse, too many parents simply *don’t* talk to their chlidren! And too many of them simply don’t know how to develop their children’s confidence in a healthy way. It’s true that all of this applies to men, too; of course it does. But it only adds to the insecurities that all women feel. The pressure to be the best to get ahead in your career is immense — and so is the feeling that the slightest failure proves you’re worthless.

So, how can all this help you with women? Find out more in part 2 which I have just posted: ‘Most Girls Are Insecure: Part 2’.

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The Shy Guy's Guide to Dating: The Best Places to Meet Women, the Ten Best Pickup Lines, How to Tell if She Likes You, Eleven Women to Avoid, Do's and ... What Girls Say...and What They Really Mean

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How to use your time wisely and put your results on steroids

Author: hypnomatt
HypnoMatt is a Clinical Hypnotherapist and specalises in helping guys with inner game issues. Check his trainer page for more details.

Hey guys

I promise that this post will be shorter than the last one. I think I got RSI from writing the last post.

What I want to talk about today is the topic of wasting time and effort on girls and how you can turn that arround. When you waste time and effort, not only can you never make that time up again, but it also makes you feel crap, lowers your self esteem and makes you less likely to go after the girls who will actually be responsive to you.

Before I learnt about game, I was very much into marketing. I used to be a club and band promoter, this taught me how to make money and focus my efforts on the right people. I believe that a massive part of self esteem comes through getting results. If this is the case shouldn’t we be focused on going for the right types of people which will generate the best results, rather than just hoping for the best?

When I got into promoting bands in Manchester I learnt very quickly that the general population had absolutely no interest in going to see unsigned bands in a pub function room on a Wednesday night. I could have spent a lot of money advertising the gigs on the front of the local papers, but this would have had barely any impact at all. The only people who are interested in seeing unsigned bands (when they are starting out at least) and friends and family of the band members and a few music enthusiasts. I had a system where the bands had to purchase a certain amount of tickets in advance in order to play a gig. This method is also known as “pay to play”. It is hated by musicians as they have to now put in the effort of getting people there as they have a financial investment. However this also meant that every gig I did made money, plus there was always a decent crowd for the bands to play to. I promoted over 100 music events in Manchester and gained a good reputation. Although I used a system that bands didn’t initially like, I still had about a ratio of 3 bands per 1 slot available.

While I was a band promoter I got to meet a lot of interesting characters. One night I was out with a lead singer of a band, who lets say was “unconventional” looking. He was ugly. However he was amazingly successful with girls. He was a very charismatic singer and went to a lot of after parties, a simple yet effective system. One night I was out with him and I spotted a group of 4 girls. I dared him to go over and speak to them. He looked at me totally confused as to why he would do that. He explained that they have no idea who he is and therefore will not be successful. This is when I really started to understand about targeted marketing and going after low hanging fruit. You can take someone who is amazingly successful, but if he is approaching the wrong sort of people then even he will get poor results.

When I first became a hypnotherapist, like most others I decided to cover every single issue under the sun. I used to do everything from weight loss, to stop smoking, to fears and phobias and even such crap as past life regression. I was competing in a cut throat industry and spreading myself far too thinly. I was literally begging people to come and so sessions with me and I used to undercut my competitors on price. I used to work all hours of the day and night and do as the client requested rather than doing the sessions how I wanted to. Then one day I was speaking to a marketing expert, who just did stop smoking sessions. He told me that I had to specialise or I would always find making a living as a therapist hard and I was likely to go out of business. This really resonated with me and I decided to get into what I knew best, social anxiety and self esteem issues.

Once I knew my direction, it allowed me to focus my efforts. I went on every course I could, I read every book on the subject and I shadowed every therapist that would let me. I researched, tried and tested every technique related to anxiety. This is something that I continue to this day and always will. Once I got really good at this type of work I was then able to advertise my services to those people who were actually looking. When you focus your efforts and work with the right people, your results grow exponentially.

So how does this relate to game? Well I see game like marketing and once you break it down and analyse it you can start to improve each part to maximise the results. The product or service that you offer is yourself, the market is the girls you want to be with and then you use game techniques (opening, closing, escalation etc) as the selling process. Once you know your market and how to present yourself best, then your results will drastically improve. Most people have no idea what they are trying to achieve, who they are trying to attract or how to analyse their results. No wonder people feel lost and like giving up.

Ok let me give you an example of what I am talking about. Recently I was working with a client who was Muslim, based in London and was looking to find a girl who he could settle down with and start a family. The girl also had to be Muslim who also had similar life goals. He liked the homely and caring types who didn’t drink and were career focused. He liked girls who were classy, well educated and enjoyed talking about philosophy and religion. He himself was a successful businessman with great prospects. He was a very good catch for someone who wanted to settle down and start a family. He was currently getting really poor results from game, to the extent that he his family were on the brink of arranging a marriage for him.

So where was this guy going to meet his future wife? He currently spent his time going to student nights at crap hole nightclubs in the West End of London. One particular night he went to every week was famous for selling all drinks for £1. See this is where I have to sit back and see if the penny drops, in this case it didn’t so I had to spell it out for him.

I said to him, “So let me make sure I understand. You are looking to meet a Muslim girl who you can settle down with. You don’t like girls who drink, you like the homely type who are well educated and career focused. You also want them to be a good conversationalist who likes to talk about religion and philosophy. Let me ask you, how many of these girls do you think go to a £1 a drink night at a crap hole club during the week?”. He looked rather puzzled and after a few moment he said “probably not that many, but there are lots of girls there”.

Let’s look at this in detail. Say there are 1000 girls in the club, how many are first of all likely to be Muslim? Let’s say 15% (I am just using made up numbers for example’s sake). Out of that 150 how many are likely to be living in London and not a tourist, who don’t drink and are career focused and looking to start a family within the next couple of years. We are probably down to single figures by now. Not only does he have to go and find these girls but he is also facing such issues as loud music, her friends and lots and lots of other guys. No wonder he is getting poor results. As I explained all this to him, he started to understand what I was on about but then looked disheartened. “So you are saying it is a lost cause and I should just give up?” At the moment he was going out 2-3 times a week and opening approximately 15 girls per night. So he was efficient in his approach, however he was not being effective. “No my friend, I suggest you change what you are doing to get better results” was my answer.

We first of all gather some information about the girls he was attracted to and built a bit of a profile about them. We then consulted my best friend in the world, Google. Within minutes we had found a Muslim only dating site, and a Muslim philosophy discussion group that was held in his local area. Within a month of going to these focused events he got into a steady relationship with a great girl. They are still together 6 months later and look set for a great future together. He has not been to a £1 a drink night since and his self esteem is at an all time high.

When you don’t approach game with an analytical attitude then you end up just going out for the sake of it. Without a plan you will of course feel lost and have no idea where you are going wrong or right. Getting numbers will be something of chance and then converting those numbers to dates will be a difficult process. All this leads to wasted effort, poor results which of course turns into low self esteem and lack of motivation.

While in Manchester I became very friendly with a guy who ran a speed dating company. When I asked him why he started to do this, he said it was simple. He was single and he wanted to meet a lot of single girls who were looking to meet guys. He didn’t want to go to the events himself as this would put on the same level as the guys who attended. By organising the events, he not only had all the girls details and could speak to them about dating, but he was also of higher value at the events. To me this is a work of genius.

One common problem I see with guys is the whole “oneitus” AKA unrequited love. Basically when you really like a girl but it has not gone anywhere and is not very likely to happen anyway. People spend so much of their time investing into this one person, that they are now in what I like to call an investment trap. By giving up on this person and going after new people, they feel like all the time leading up to this has been a waste of time and therefore they have to continue. This makes no sense at all and just leads to investing more and more time and therefore strengthening the problem. A good pick up artist knows two things, what kind of girls to go for and when to call it quits.

If you are in an investment trap with a girl, you have to ask yourself “what I am doing, how is it working out so far?”. By continuing to the same things you are likely to get the same results. I advise to change your methods by going out and meeting different people. The one girl who you have invested so much in is actually more likely to be attracted to you if you are not chasing her, but instead dating other girls. You are also likely to meet girls who are even more suited to you once you change your focus.

Ok that is it for today. Think about how you are spending your time and how efficient and effective it is. Time is the one thing you can never get back, and if you are investing too much into one girl, go out and meet more people!

Please leave your comments and share this post on facebook

Matt Kendall (Hypnomatt)

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How to Ensure Success and Avoid Failure

It’s been a LONG time since I’ve written something on my very own blog right here.  I think this is important enough, and if I can convey my ideas on this subject well enough, I might be able to help a lot of guys along their path.  Over the years I’ve seen a lot of people get stuck .  Maybe they make it part of the way to a happy love life and then stall out or regress.  I’ve even seen guys who never really get off the starting blocks despite years of effort.  As a coach, it’s very important for me to understand what they are doing wrong, and now for the first time I can give you my take, and I hope it’ll help you either to avoid a similar fate or confirm that you are on the right track.

What are the 3 major mistakes that the guys who don’t win the game make?

1.  Wrong role models.

Sometimes I watch videos by other “gurus” or meet them face to face.  There are lots of guys that I respect, some are good teachers, some have a lot of great theoretical knowledge, and some have good game.  However there are a ton of guys who are buddies with the right people, are good marketers, and are basically guys who should NOT be listened to.  Sometimes on these videos you can see the guys in the audience furiously taking down notes.  Big mistake.  If you choose the wrong role model, the best you can hope for is to be as good as them.  In some cases these “gurus” have no skill at all with women and are total losers.

When I first started, my role models were the gurus who had qualities that I lacked and respected, not the ones who had the coolest stories, were the most famous, or who bragged the most.  Which ones could I imagine girls being attracted to?  Which ones had some charisma, presence, or other quality that I valued?  When I started getting better, my role models became guys like Steve and Alex. Guys who I noticed because they had amazing strengths in areas that I had weakness.

So the lesson?  Tune your radar correctly, find role models who are guys that have qualities that you don’t, guys you respect.  Not just guys that brag about bagging HB10s on message boards, or who do the circuit of PUA talks but have no real world skill.

Of course an average role model is better than a bad one.  Too many guys only hang around with guys on the same level as them and think that they can all get better together.  While that is possible, in most cases they will fail.  Being friends with someone 10x better than you is a surefire way to get better in that area of life, whether business, pick up, or anything else.  My role models are accountable for over 50% of my success.

Alex and I soon after we met in 2007.

2.  Wrong approach to feedback.

“What she says doesn’t matter”, “just do what you want and if people don’t like it it’s their problem”.  NO!  Feedback is the only way we get better.  Yes you shouldn’t take everything a girl says to heart, or take each rejection personally, but you should objectively look at all feedback and take on board lessons from every failed interaction/relationship.   If you keep telling stories and people get bored, or keep making certain types of jokes and people don’t laugh, or keep failing at the same points in a seduction, then you need to pay attention to the external feedback and make changes.   If you have someone who can harshly critique you, fantastic.  This could be a wing man, your natural friend, or a particularly honest girl who you try to seduce.

A lot of guys work on their inner game so much that they delude themselves into thinking they are good BEFORE they actually are.  Then if someone doesn’t like anything about them it’s obviously the other person’s fault.  This is a real limiter to making progress.  Don’t let your ego get in the way. Each time you either step up the difficulty of the girls you are going for, or try a new environment, you should expect to be bad to begin with.  Feedback and adjusting is the only way to improve.  Plowing through with a “what she says doesn’t matter” attitude is a recipe for disaster.

90% of the time this means you are doing something wrong and you need to figure out what it is and change it, 10% of the time she is having a bad day etc.  We can’t get better without negative feedback.

3.  Focusing on “game” and being a PUA.  The wrong goal.

Being a PUA is lame.  I said it.  Generally you are hanging around with guys who either are bad with women or were bad with women recently, you won’t have many “normal” friends and generally no female friends.  You are WEIRD…but it’s all for a purpose.  You have your wingman, you do your approaches, and you are going to be this weird guy for a short amount of time while you learn all the skills and catch up on all those years you missed out on.  Years when other guys were getting laid and talking to lots of girls.  You get the skills and then you get out.  You make normal friends – cool guys and (importantly) girls, your “game” becomes natural, just who you are.  You learn skills, travel, and do interesting things, become a man who women should be attracted to naturally.  Guys that think it’s cool to always be a PUA are never going to be in the places where all the hot girls are, are not going to be accepted by her friends and family, and are not going to have the huge benefits that being socially connected brings.

4. …and the obvious ones

Not taking action, not trying new things, not pushing yourself, not leaving the house, and all the things you already know.

I hope that helps guys, it took me a few years of watching guys succeed and fail to find the common threads.  Please comment below, I’ll be reading them all.

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There is absolutely no substitute for putting in effort and taking action

Author: hypnomatt
HypnoMatt is a Clinical Hypnotherapist and specalises in helping guys with inner game issues. Check his trainer page for more details.

Hey guys

Thanks for all the emails and comments about the previous blogs.

Today’s blog is all about taking action and quitting your bullshit whining. This blog is going to have some basic common sense tips. If you like follow them and you are likely to get results. Alternatively you can carry on reading theory and making up pointless and ever increasing in size excuses to why you are not taking action.

As men, we don’t like making mistakes especially in front of other people or in a scenario where we could face our ultimate fear, being rejected by a girl we like. This is why only a very small percentage of people who ever get into game will actually go out and apply what they know in field. It is likely that he only time these people will ever try stuff out is when they are a bootcamp or seminar and an instructor is making them do it.

Because of our fear of rejection and doing things wrong, we spend a lot of time learning theory before we even take the first step. In game there is so much contradicting theory that we are often left feeling overwhelmed and confused with the inability to take any action at all. By reading theory it gives us the false pretence and assurance that we are actually doing something, you aren’t! You do NOT learn game by reading books. The only place to learn social skills and game is in field. No if’s, no but’s.

This post is not about being vague, it is about giving you actual action steps. These steps work. I have worked with hundreds and hundreds of clients and been able to monitor their successes over several years. I can only tell you what I have found to work, I can not make you do anything.   

Natural game is NOT just being yourself!

I have a lot of guys telling me that they want to be natural. They seem to think that by being natural it means they don’t have to change anything about themselves. Being natural at something simply means being very good at a skill set. It does not mean you keep doing what you are already doing. What you are currently doing isn’t working, if it was you would not be reading about these materials.

I do not believe in having what the industry refers to as “canned patterns” or “routines”. I do however believe in being very well prepared and being very good at the skills we teach. If you follow what we tell you, then it will improve your results. If you learn all the skills from opening, transitioning, kino, conversation, elicitation and persuasion, closing, text/email/phone game, dates and escalation then you will become “natural” at meeting women. Each part of game is broken down into small parts. You need to learn them all and practice. You simply can not expect to become a natural without actually learning these skills.

I like to think of natural game as like learning the guitar. You do not become “natural” until you learn how the instrument works and you follow the scales, chords and sequences. Only when you are very good, do you appear to be “natural”. It takes a lot of work to make something look easy.

The future is NOT going to be ok without change

A lot of people who I work with have a romantic idea of the future, which allows them to be lazy in the present. People take a bootcamp thinking it will be the complete solution, it isn’t. Taking a bootcamp is not a solution to a problem, it is a training event to show you how things work. Simply attending any training event and then going home and not making any changes, will not deliver any results. Not long term at least anyway.

If you do not start to plan for the future, then things are going to get worse and worse. The longer you leave it to take any action at all, the less likely you ever take any action. Putting of actually making tangible changes because you first of all want to attend a certain course, read a book or watch a DVD etc will always keep you stuck. There will always be another course to take and another product to buy. There will not be any new breakthroughs and learning more theory will only make you more overwhelmed than you are now.

Just remember, all the time you are at home going through theory night after night. There are other guys meeting and seducing the women that you desire.

You can not therapy your way out of this.

As a therapist I take a very strong view of taking action to get over and past problems. Most often the simplest answer is the correct one to take. If you are not meeting new people, then you need to go out more and to different places. If you are overweight, you need to lose weight. If you are badly dressed, you need to see a stylist. If you live in a boring place, you need to move. We don’t make up the rules, we simply follow them to gain maximum effect.

Therapy does have its place, especially change work (what I specialise in). However if you do not couple therapy with taking action, then once again you will not make any real changes in your life. You do not get over social anxiety by hiding away from the world, you need to integrate into society in a slow and methodical way.

What you are already doing is not working

When we work with guys, we often hear things like “this just isn’t me”, or “it feels weird”. Yes, that is because you are doing new things. If you want to change your results, you need to change your method.

Let’s take a simple scenario of going up to a girl to ask her where Starbucks is. A standard PUA functional approach. Going up to a beautiful girl and asking her where somewhere is may feel weird, only because what you usually do is see her, not approach and then beat yourself up about not approaching afterwards.

What you are dong isn’t working. You need to change your method. We help guys with step by step strategies on how to meet and speak with girls. Once you have done this a LOT and had constructive criticism then it feels fun and natural. The good feelings come as a result, not a precursor. 

No one cares about your excuses

Your excuses keep you stuck and no one cares about them. A good example is a guy I was with the other day who’s facebook profile was terrible. There were loads of pictures of him out in clubs looking really drunk. I told him he should remove 95% of all his pictures because they are likely to put high quality girls off. His response is that it is his friends who tag him. My response “it is YOUR profile, you are responsible for it!”.

When I work in therapy I charge by the hour. If the client is more than 10 minutes late I cancel their appointment but still charge them. I need the full hour with the client to be able to do my work. I am always on time and I live about an hour away from my clinic. Whatever someone’s excuse is, I do not accept it. Not knowing where the clinic is, the tube line being closed, stuck in traffic etc are all the problems of the client.

So why do I take such a harsh approach, because I see things in black or white. I have an engineering background and in my view something is either a 1 or a 0. There is absolutely no grey area. Excuses are all in the 0 category. You either approached the girl or you didn’t, you either went for the close or you didn’t. All the reasons why are meaningless, they just allow you to feel better about not taking action.

Stop giving yourself excuses and learn the art of self discipline. No one is going to take care of you, you need to man up and face reality. When I work with people and I tell them what steps to take, I always get responses like “but I am lazy”, “I procrastinate”, “I am not self disciplined”, “I can’t be bothered”. I have a standard response to all of these justifications; “I could not give a shit about your pathetic excuses. Whether you do what I show you or not, I still get paid. It is 100% up to you to get off your ass and start putting these things into action. All the time you are sitting around moping, other guys are out there seducing the girls that you desire”.

Keep it simple and one step at a time 

One of the reasons I love working on the PUA Training bootcamp is because we take things one step at a time. We teach opening, then we take guys out and get them opening. We work like this all through the weekend, teaching then applying.

When learning game men always read all the theory yet take no action. Too many options usually leads to no option being taken at all. By reading book after book, you fill your head with information but you do not take the actions to turn this into knowledge. It is time to take a step back, look at what you are doing and working on things one step at a time.

Look at the materials we provide, read Richards book and see the steps. Work on the first step, get it mastered and then move on. There is no reason to learn about transitioning, kino or escalation if you are unable to go and open a single girl.

Learning game is not an overnight success, it is an evolution. You need to take things slowly and make it part of your daily life. We live in an on demand society where we want things right away. Slow down, make realistic goals and work hard on them before moving on.

The girls you desire are not going to come and find you 

If you want top quality girls, then you are going to have to earn them. No amount of affirmation, asking the universe or learning theory will ever make this happen. The basics of PUA are all centred around biological attraction and natural selection. Attraction is not a choice, it is how the species procreates. 

Conclusion 

We can show you what works, we are not saying it is right or wrong, it is just what works. I often have guys email me saying how unfair things are and why their problems are special. I have had numerous arguments on forums over the same things. We don’t make the rules, but they apply to us all. You can either argue against them, or learn how they work and use them to your advantage.

So what needs to happen for you to start taking action? What action will you take first? If you don’t take this action, how will your life go?

This is the time to realise you are 100% responsible for your own actions and what you do in life. The world will not chance to suit your needs, you have to adapt to it.

Make a plan, get on with it, stop whinging.

Matt Kendall (Hypnomatt)

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